Layden with Hearsay

My story

2009-07-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

This is a story about the first and the last time I would ever fall in love with someone.

I have never met anyone so cheerful, happy, energetic and pretty in my entire life.
Yes, it's funny how we have been separated for quite awhile.
And how we have our ups and downs. Well, mostly downs.
Anyway, she always came to an agreement for us to never be together.
I always thought otherwise.
Because she's seeing someone else.
Heh, if chasing someone I really loved is a stupid act.
Then call me an idiot behind your backs.

10 things I know about her that no one else does.
1. If she wants attention, give it to her.
2. She gets jealous easily, so don't provoke her.
3. Never play sad and slow songs for her on radio.
4. When she laughs and smiles, laugh and smile along too.
5. Sing to her, anytime, anywhere.
6. Expect pain, but expect it to be filled with love, gentleness, and care.
7. Cute is her thing, never go for the extreme.
8. Let her kiss or bite you, when and where she wants to.
9. When she's in need of someone, spend the whole day with her.
10. And when she says she loves you, she really means it.

But I know by the time she reads this, she'll be gone far away.
So, if she feels a certain presence beside her, anywhere she goes.

That would be me, loving her, wherever I am.

My Special Five

2009-06-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

These names will always be in my heart,
For life.

1. Amber

My dearest Amber Lim Rui Lynn. You have been a very very great friend indeed. You have showed me so many things from other perspectives anddddddd!! You found the CUTE and FUNNY side of me! And you changed my entire lifestyle upside down this year! Not to a bad one, but to a good one! I'm no more emotional like before, you helped me get out of bad habits and thoughts. And if it weren't for you to say HI that day in bio class, I would've been the same old boring guy who roams around college with a very VERY limited circle of friends. That is why YOU Amber Lim Rui Lynn, are my special friend! And I love you so very very very much! Mwaaaahhh! :D :D You know what you need on these hard times?? A HUG! And I know you'll make it out eventually and pass this whole goddamned HSC finals with flying colours! :) I have faith in you that you can do it, but you have to believe in yourself. Don't wade down in self pity and don't be remorseful of the past. You have what you have now and make use of that. Less interuptions, more determination. I am here for you every step of the way! So, just live you life full of happyness! :D Remember, my life would suck without you! So don't you leave me behind! T_T Haha.

2. Trixia

My beloved Trixia Gianco Tang. I can still remember you when I was Form1. The day you went all the way to my house to do homework. And it was your first day in Uplands! :D Until then our relationship has been growing ever since. You know, they say without Trixia, there would be no Bernard. Well, as a matter of fact, that IS true. And I want you to know how much you really mean to me. All the things we did!!! OMG The memories! Overnighting, movies, beaches, escaping out, breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, late calls, huggies and kissies, and MORE THINGS THAT WE HAVE SHARED! Those were the times! And I have never treated anyone as unique as you! You Trixia, are my one and only best best BEST friend and nothing or no one can do anything to top that position! You complete my life! And God knows what I'll be come if you had never bugged me about those homework! Now you're in Scotland! HOW THE HECK CAN I REACH YOU FROM HERE?! COME BACK! I MISS YOU SO FKING MUCH! AND I LOVE YOU!!! Shit! DoubleGooshiness! HAHA. :D

3. Jacqueline

My heartly Jacqueline Ann-Marie Foo. Haha. Never thought that until now, I'd ever be talking to you. Thanks to AMBER of course! And if it weren't for you, I don't think I would have the guts or the brains about all this ups and downs of this relationship thingys. It's just so great to have good friends to help us along, and you are one of them! :) Without you, god knows what I'll be doing or thinking. I'll probably be emo and emo and emo every single stupid day in boring boring Inti! I LOVE your dimpley smiley face! It's the world's sweetest smile I have ever seen in my entire life! And I like to advice you! It's... FUN! :D Haha. Mwahhhh! Good luck in HSC and I'll see ya soon! :D

4. Jia Yi

My companionable Leong Jia Yi. JIAYI!!! DUMB DUMB! Omg. I have to slap you and beat you and punch you and kick you and push you and elbow you and shove you and doink you and slash you and glare down at you if you DON'T LISTEN TO MY ADVICE!!! HAHAHA! Oh, you know what I'm talking about! :D And you know, if it weren't for you, and not to mention Joe Vynne, I would be a lonely soul walking around in college without any peers. My circle of friends started from you both and I am proud to call you one of my closest friends! I LOVE bullying you and I LIKE calling you late at night! It's FUN! :D :D Hahahahaha! You seem to have a very decent and educational life. I like that. I'm JEALOUS! :O :O Oh well. :P Haha. Till the next time I see you in college! MWAHH! LOVE YA!

5. Sue Lyn

My extraordinary Ashley Tan Sue Lyn. You are so SO SOOOOO lovable, gullible, huggable, emotional, religious, strong, sexiest miniature sized girl I have ever met! :P :P Hahaha. And I wouldn't have had so much fun if it wasn't for Baski's tuition right? LOL. And I know you need more courage and determination to help you get throught this life. And about you and Aaron, you both are the sweetest couple I have ever ever seen! I wanna see both of you smile and laugh together and share everything happy! That makes ME feel happy, even though I don't have a partner. :( But still, I love you both! You two give me hope and inspiration to carry on living and being a good soul. :] :] THANK YOU!!! LOVE YAH!

You guys are the BEST! :D :D
I love you all so much!
And I'll always be there for you all! :)

Feels like Forever

2009-06-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

"I know it feels like forever, but I guess that's just the price I gotta pay"

I feel utterly wierd and all. And I'm sick of it.

I wonder why.

Maybe it was meant to be? I don't really know.

Part of me is holding on,
to something so far and impossible,
when I should know by now,
who she picked to be with forever.

But I was stubborn.

I didn't really take it all in,
and accept the stupid stupid fact.

I guess things turn out bad in the end for some people.

But I still keep the hope and chances left in it.

Cause I don't give up.

No I don't give up.

"Another day without you with me, is like a blade that cuts right through me"

Still, I can't do anything else but wait.

And hope for the chance to be taken into place.

She's the only thing I know like the back of my head.

"When you call my heart stops beating. When you're gone it won't stop bleeding"

I wish she's knew,
how important she was to me,
and what she really means to me all this while.

Sigh. Things are better left said then done.

Smile Bernard Goh. Smile. :]

Dedicated song, to you

2009-05-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh, that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh, and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well, you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
When I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

What am I still doing here

It's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right
To just love me when you can
I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

Forever and almost always
No, it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

Kate Voegelle - Forever and Almost Always

For you, Jacqueline

2009-05-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Jacqueline,

I know it's kinda hard to forget what happened.
And it's really a kick in the ass when you think about it.
You regret so many things, and you wasted time.
So much time, that you could've done other important things.
But if you had not do it, then you wouldn't have discovered,
so many hidden miracles of life rather than sticking to one.
Accept it as it already is, because you never know what might happen.
Look on the brighter side, at least you're not clinging on to false hope anymore. We all love you Jacqueline and we want you to smile! :)
I can't find a perfect song for you with the right meanings but I think this will be a nice one, I think...

Taylor Swift - Breathe

The word "Love"

2009-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Do people really know what they want in life?
Sometimes it's better off knowing it before you do anything.
For instance, finding true love.
Love is. Well. Divine.
Before you can start loving others,
You must first love yourself.
How can you dedicate yourself to others,
When you neglect even yourself?
In this situations, you must consider everything.
Especially how others feel.
Take into consideration their own flesh and blood
On how they come about your decisions.
Learn.
Understand and learn.
From your mistakes and your doings.
And make sure you do better.
Don't just give up.
If you do.
Then everything would've been for nothing at all.
Can you define the meaning,
of the word,
"Love"?

I don't care who's reading this, but I hope you do

2009-05-24T03:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Amber,

Sometimes you may never know who you end up with.
Sometimes it's best to leave that thought behind.
Because now is now and that's a different story.
I'm here, in your life. Nothing else matters.
As I have said, you need time.
But baby, how much time do you need?
You see, you're always mixing things up.
And you know, it's alright to be commited now.
But at what level it may be, it depends.
Real loyalty, honesty and faith in each other is all we need.
Nothing serious yet, baby. Nothing yet.
Look. Love is something divine.
It's a feeling that comes from your heart.
And it doesn't take much of a push to have that.
From the moment I met you until now, I have no doubts.
That you of all people, would ever do such a thing.
I know you won't hurt me, and I know I won't get mad at you.
Because it's not going to happen.
We are one and we can work things out.
Tell me all of your dreams, your hopes, your fears.
Instill them in me.
Make me feel like how you do.
Don't hide your feelings away.
Love like how you did before.
Love full heartedly, because there's nothing wrong to it.
Remove those doubts and erase those thoughts.
Cause what's now is now.
Always remember that I am always beside you.
Near or far.
Alive or dead.
For now, concentrate on only us and what we can do.
What we will do as we both go through this nightmare.
Studies is essential and I know we both will make it through.
Just one question.
Were you telling the truth all this while?
The words you gave me, those heart throbbing words.
Those words that make me tremble and lighten me up like a flash.
Were you?
Well, whatever the answer may be, that is not important.
Let's start here.
The beginning of something new.
I just want to see you smile.
I hope you know this.

iloveyou.

To the people I love most... and especially to you

2009-05-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am sorry.

For acting so emotional
Till I nearly ended my life
I didn't know what I was thinking
I wasn't myself that time
And I was stupid and foolish
Enough to make hearts bleed
So I just wanna say I am sorry
For all the thing I said to hurt you
As I'm still alive right here right now
I want you to know
That I love you dearly.

Bella's Lullaby

2009-05-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

I wanna play this song on the piano for someone.

I can play it everyday, every hour, every minute, every second for her.

But..

I feel hurt.

I just wanna

Cry.....

In this moment of time

2009-05-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

Gahhhhh!!! Alot of shit has been happening to me lately! Alot!
I get emo really fast and long that day. That stupid stupid day! Thinking of things that I shouldn't think of. I feel rather stupid.
But still, I got through it. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be stuck in my sorrows and bitterness.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.
I hope you know I'll be there for you all the time too.
Oh, I'm changing from HSC to AUP! I can't stand the pressure!
As I said. This year ain't my educational year. I used to be uber smart. Now I'm a doofus.
Because of HER! lol. Nahhh, kidding. :]

Anyway, this is it for now. I'll get updated on stuffs.
I'll see y'all soon!

I love you honey bun.

Cold nights and quiet mornings

2009-05-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

Well, this post is kinda wierd. I don't know.
I just gotta let everything out here, not to people, but to myself.
But of course people will read this, so I'm prepared.
There's this girl I met
Not a few months ago
She's so sweet, happy, smilling away eveything
We got closer and closer at some points
And I would have liked to pop the question
But no
Not yet
I want that moment to be perfect and flawless, beautiful and unforgettable
But there's one problem
She's hard to get through and hard to understand
That makes it all the more challenging
She's different, obviously
But all this while
She's haunted by her past, her present and her bitter, bitter memories
Non-erasable memories
I have been hearing, listening in detail, accepting the facts, put those words in me,
about her past and what she tells of herself
She always talks about her ex's and numerous times spent with them
The poems she made for them
The things she did for them
The words and feelings she felt for them
Made me feel somewhat useless and worthless to the point of nothing
I feel hopeless as I take in everything she says about them
I feel stupid as how I wish I could give her what she wanted in all her ex's
She wanted that loving feeling again, I failed
She wanted that secure feeling again, I failed
She wanted to be loved unconditionally, I failed
She wanted someone to rely on, someone to trust
I failed.
One night, she got so emotional and she cried on the phone
I vouched to stay on through the night with her, but she got tired and slept
That night I felt the weakest and the most idiotic feeling ever
I even cried for godsake
I cried, funny eh?
Oh, how I so wish that she would just leave the past in the past and find the future
How I wish I can give her everything she sees in her 1st love
Sometimes, she doesn't know it
Sometimes, I don't show it
Sometimes, people don't bother
But deep down
Inside me
It really
really
hurts...

So many times I wanted to call her and just say I love you.
So many times
Countless moments where I waited to hear those words spatter from her
But it never came
On occasions it did, but not normally
It was
pain...
Sometimes, I wish you knew
How I felt for the very first time
Understand me for the very first time
I'm not just any other guy you met and had a relationship with
I'm Bernard Goh
And you just know the outside of me
Not who I really am on the inside.
I miss you
And I can't wait to see you on Monday.
Sigh
If you'd only knew...

Sometimes you don't really know that it hurts, deep down.

2009-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been half a week now since I've seen her.
Does she really know, that every moment spent without her,
is like living through the same days over and over?
I don't know.
I don't know why am I feeling this down and complicated anyway.
But one thing's for sure,
I miss her so.
The next time I put my arms around her,
I'll never let go, never.
Separations last awhile, but this is too much.
We had ups and downs and well,
I tolerated most of your words.
I knew you, what you do, what you will do.
And I just hate it, baby.
Not you, the people around you.
They treat you like,
like careless fools.
They act like brainless idiots.
They think like heartless bastards.
Some part of me just wants to scream out loud,
never letting anyone,
but your close friends, family, to touch you, NO ONE.
Yes, I hate those stupified playboys who think love is just a plaything.
Well, fuck them.
I don't really care as long as they don't get into you.
Okay okay, Imma chill now.
:]

Till the day we'll meet again.
I miss you.

Sigh

2009-04-11T20:33:00.001-07:00

Hmm. It's 12pm. And its a HOT HOT HOT day. Gahh. :\ I hate hot days. And I wonder how she's doing back at Kedah. I miss her and I'm going to for the next couple of days. Gosh. I really do. It's funny how we met could come up to this. All she said was "Hey, why are you always so quiet?" then it all sparked up and it began from then on. The first time singing to her and actually luring all my heart and soul into those songs were amazing. I loved it.

And from that day onwards, I slowly fell for her, secretly. And I asked myself what has she done to make me lovestruck. I never found the answer. Cause it was meant to be kept secret, even if there was no answer at all. She was different. She wasn't like any other girl. Probably because she's from a different state but that's not the point. She was hyper. She was cuhrazyyyy! :D She was sweet, adorable, cute. She was caring. She was funny. She was fun. She was understandable. She was lovable. She was lucky. She was beautiful. She was pretty, humble and honest. She was everything that I ever wanted. But still it persists, the question left unanswered. And I will not rush things through. I'll give her time. All the time in the world for her to tell me the honest answer. I won't rush. I promised to myself that I'd let everything be the way it should be, and time will tell everything. I will make it clear that I will wait forever, never finding another, just to hear those three words from her. I will.

I miss you.

Will You Stay Awake For Me?

2009-04-11T04:37:00.000-07:00

Will you stay awake for me as I did for you?

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.

I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.

And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breath, it is dear. So please stay near.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

Say my name. I just want to hear you,
say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,

That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything

YOU

2009-04-07T02:05:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes me smile but you.

Everytime I look your way, I lose my breath.

What could have amounted up till now, was you.

She said "Hey, why are you so quiet" and it all began.

You're like my thunder, pounding every heartbeat.

You're like a lover, making every moment special.

You're like no other, nothing I have ever experienced before.

You are special, to me and to everyone else.

If I lost you now, I would gladly follow you wherever you'll end up in.

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me.

I'd give up all I have just to breathe the same air as you.

I dedicate these words to YOU, my one and only.

P/S : I love you

To Juliet.

2009-04-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Juliet,

I ____ You...

Yours sincerely,
Romeo.

A day of embrace and hypernotic screams

2009-04-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

Another Friday as usual. I woke up so damn late and I missed English class. :\
Damn it, they watched Russel Peters and I missed it. Gahh. Whateverrrrrrrrr.
So I had no classes for the day anymore, I went to Gurney with Amber, Sue followed along. We watched Fast and Furious 4. It was okay, not that nice as the 3rd. Then we went to Sue's friend's house for awhile to watch Saw 5, again... Her room is so HUGE! :O
Soon after that, I drove Amber back to the hostel. :)

Later that night, me and Amber wanted to go and find the tar beach. Lena came along. So she knew where was it. I FOLLOWED HER DIRECTIONS AND WE ENDED UP PASSING THROUGH KAMPUNGS, RURAL AREAS, MISLEADING SIGNBOARDS AND EVENTUALLY GOT LOST IN THE UNCIVILIZED AREA OF PENANG. Blahhh, LOL. So we continued our journey through a very, very, VERY dark mountain. The road was so curvy, my hands and legs were working overtime. :( We started our journey at around 8.45pm, and we reached Batu Feringhi at about 10pm. My petrol tank habis laaaaaa. :O
We went to the beach near Crown Jewel hotel. Took a nice stroll with Amber and Lena. I wish I could just sit there with her and talk, under the quiet atmosphere where nobody is around, hearing the waves crashing towards the shores, the skies empty yet beautiful. :)

At around 11, we drove back to Crystal Point and ate our supper at Island Red Cafe. I ordered some Kuey Teow soup but it got ruined at the end by two mad hyper wierdos. And I paid for that, haha. Then LENA's ahem, came along to join us. Hehe. ;)
It was already 12midnight and Amber was so tired. So I drove them both back to the hostel.
Gahhh, an end to a fun-filled night. :\

I'm goina miss you.

Secret Valentine

2009-03-31T03:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, we have done things no one will ever know. Things that cannot be undone. I don't regret anything. You have me, you had me, I'm yours, always yours. But let time tell, and let things go slow. I wanna know you more, know you deeply, know who you really are. Yes, I like you. And if one day you do fall for me, then I have to give my heart and soul, and once again, I will fall for you. I will. Now, when you fall, I'll pick you up off the ground. If you are broken, I'll fix you upright. When your nights get a little colder, I'll always be there to warm it up. You have me by your side, always.

In the meantime, take a listen to this song, the lyrics of it. :]

Let It Roll - Secondhand Serenade
Click it.