Cold nights and quiet mornings

Well, this post is kinda wierd. I don't know.
I just gotta let everything out here, not to people, but to myself.
But of course people will read this, so I'm prepared.
There's this girl I met
Not a few months ago
She's so sweet, happy, smilling away eveything
We got closer and closer at some points
And I would have liked to pop the question
But no
Not yet
I want that moment to be perfect and flawless, beautiful and unforgettable
But there's one problem
She's hard to get through and hard to understand
That makes it all the more challenging
She's different, obviously
But all this while
She's haunted by her past, her present and her bitter, bitter memories
Non-erasable memories
I have been hearing, listening in detail, accepting the facts, put those words in me,
about her past and what she tells of herself
She always talks about her ex's and numerous times spent with them
The poems she made for them
The things she did for them
The words and feelings she felt for them
Made me feel somewhat useless and worthless to the point of nothing
I feel hopeless as I take in everything she says about them
I feel stupid as how I wish I could give her what she wanted in all her ex's
She wanted that loving feeling again, I failed
She wanted that secure feeling again, I failed
She wanted to be loved unconditionally, I failed
She wanted someone to rely on, someone to trust
I failed.
One night, she got so emotional and she cried on the phone
I vouched to stay on through the night with her, but she got tired and slept
That night I felt the weakest and the most idiotic feeling ever
I even cried for godsake
I cried, funny eh?
Oh, how I so wish that she would just leave the past in the past and find the future
How I wish I can give her everything she sees in her 1st love
Sometimes, she doesn't know it
Sometimes, I don't show it
Sometimes, people don't bother
But deep down
Inside me
It really
really
hurts...

So many times I wanted to call her and just say I love you.
So many times
Countless moments where I waited to hear those words spatter from her
But it never came
On occasions it did, but not normally
It was
pain...
Sometimes, I wish you knew
How I felt for the very first time
Understand me for the very first time
I'm not just any other guy you met and had a relationship with
I'm Bernard Goh
And you just know the outside of me
Not who I really am on the inside.
I miss you
And I can't wait to see you on Monday.
Sigh
If you'd only knew...